Hear Me Rain

2010-07-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. I have moved to http://raynekee.blogspot.com/ . It's a

great beginning for me.

2010-07-04T02:13:00.000-07:00

I'm so goddamn lazy nowadays. lazy to do my hair properly before I go out. lazy to apply mask for weeks. lazy to take photos when I'm out partying. lazy to walk to the main road to catch a cab. lazy to cook for myself when I'm about to die from hunger. lazy to shower everyday when I wake up... Laziness is soon turning into a habit to me. I need to stop from being sooo lazy!!!

2010-06-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

I love pool party!

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Pool party if super fun! I think I should organize one myself some day:)

2010-06-24T01:29:00.000-07:00

A wake up call...

Parties are forever. It's so true and that's why we should work hard to realize our dreams. I said true happiness comes from true love. and I know people don't take it seriously. You just want to relax and have fun and at the mean time have some consideration for other's feelings. But you should also know we have been living in such normality for a long long time. Aren't you craving for true love to fall upon you? Everything in life will seem brighter and happier. The sky is bluer. The air is fresher. The first feeling you experience after waking up in the morning is euphoria and contentment. You suddenly have a sense of direction in life. And you say this to yourself "God is so kind to me". The world you live in is no longer corrupted and dangerous. You are living in a seeminly purified and harmonious world where everything about nature is well balanced. And at last, you whisper to your lover with tears in your eyes "all I want in life is you."

Of course, a lot of people` have never experienced this level of happiness in their whole life. This might be due to complication of their own mind. You live in a deep abyss where there is no end because you simply believe that you will never get out of there. You are too accustomed to build walls to protect yourself. But at the same time you also prevent love and happiness to come near you. It is indeed a quandary. But don't forget you have the ability to make a choice.

However, Pursuing dreams and falling in love might be in conflict with each other. But nothing is impossible. It is the power of WILL. I am going to pursue my biggest dream in life. No one could stop me except God himself.

2010-06-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

Whoever you are holding me now in hand,

Without one thing all will be useless,

I give you fair warning before you attempt me further,

I am not what you supposed, but far different.

Who is he that would become my follower?

Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?

The way is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive,

You would have to give up all else, I alone would expect

to be your sole and exclusive standard,

Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,

The past theory of your life and all conformity to the lives

around you would have to be abandon'd,

Therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further,

let go your hands from my shoulders,

Put me down and depart on your way.

WALT WHITMAN, Leaves of Grass

2010-06-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a long long time since I last updated my blog. Too many things happened in the past one month and I am feeling absolutely numb. It's so hard to decide whether I should study locally or go to UK. Sometimes I just want to leave quietly and start a new life. University of Sheffield. Sounds good? Goldsmiths, UOL? Or NUS? NTU?

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Mum said going to UK alone will be lonely. I told her, your daughter fear nothing, absolutely nothing. Life has trained me well.

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Ok two more months of rubbish and I'll be off to be a hard core nerdy student.

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too tired to write anything else... will update soon.

2010-04-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

Counting down to Shanghai trip in 4 days time with a bit of excitement, a bit of sorrow... away from all the chaos... I am about to start a new life. "It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing in my waist And the joy in my feet..." I am 20. I'm just beginning to flower...

2010-04-20T07:05:00.002-07:00

just chanced upon a blog which is about the life of a husband in dear memories of his deceased wife. I was completely carried away by the emotional intensity in his blog posts. So subtle yet full of sadness and sorrow. It somehow awakened a side of me which I tried so hard to conceal. I feel so sorry... for him... for unfortunate people and incidents around... How can a heart be made of stone if the heart can be moved so effortlessly?

Remember another day there was a todler whose feet was stuck in an escalator while my friend and I were doing some shopping. Everybody tried to sqeeze through the crowds to look at this incident regardless of which floor they r at. The baby was crying, the young brother and mother were screaming and I quickly moved away from the scene. Yes I looked emotionless. In fact it was too painful for me to witness such a tragedy. How I wished the one who's stucked in the escalator was me.

Sigh.... too much misfortune in the world...

2010-04-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

God finally I'm single again. Please let me stay this way for a longer time. I need time to heal and find my internal peace. I want to start a new life.

2010-04-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

Melaka trip!

2010-04-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

just came back from Melaka... It's such a wonderful trip:) We've been eating like starved dogs especially the night at the portugees seafood place and I feel like I'm becoming a real fat ass. BURP. Poor puppy was forced to take 300+ photos for me within two days. Hiak hiak hiak... miss the mesmerizing sea view from the hotel room and the feeling of absolute freedom and serenity. miss the late night town investigation and the breeze blowing through the car window. miss the late night desserts and people watching... man... I want to go traveling again.

The ticket to Shanghai has already booked for me but I'm not sure when I should come back. A few weeks seem too long and unbearable for me. I miss grandparents and I want to spend more time with them since I haven't go back for ages. But something in Sg is always holding me back. That is love... At the same time I'm very excited to travel coz going to Shanghai feels like traveling for me. Never been to the partying scene there may be I might end up partying a lot at the most fabulous and infamous clubs! No. No. My mission is to be a good girl and accompany my grandparents 24/7 till the day I leave.

You know, the feeling of living far away from my loved ones SUCK. Sometimes I dream about my grandparents and waking up with tears in my eyes... In fact I can visit them whenever I want to but I would feel so heartbroken every time I leave. It's not purely due to the reason that I can't stand leaving them. It's due to the fact that I can't stand them missing me. So I think if I'm not around all the time the emotional attachment could be weakened so that they won't spend their time in sorrow missing me. Also, my grandparetns can't come and live with me due to poor health. I really don't know what I should do... I just want them to be happy.

I should be happy. At least I'm going to see them soon.

2010-04-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

Just had a long conversation with my bestie which made me realized certain things. We were talking about our encounters in school when we were younger and how we were ostracised.

Sometimes I wonder why I have such a different life compare to everybody else. Why I must went through all those ordeals and hardships while other kids were having lots of fun together. I've been always the odd one out while in school. I could never be categorized.

I didn't like to talk about the cutest guys in school. I didn't like to bitch about other girls. I didn't have any common interest with any other girls around... So lots of girls didn't like me. I was betrayed. backstabbed. bitched. And even ostracised. Of course there are always some kind souls that brought me lots of happiness too.

But tough times help me grow stronger and faster. And eventually I realized there r people who r like me that grow up in an extraordinary way and they never confirm to normality. These are the people who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and found their way out of depths. These people have an appreciation. A sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

I'm not alone after all. I may be the odd one out but I'm living such an extraordinary and splendid life. That's enough to fill me with bliss.

All the tears and struggles did not go to waste. Powerful an fearless. Yes I feel that way.

2010-04-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

Easter Bunnies!

It was a really awesome party @ Orchard Scotts with a bunch of gorgeous bunnies. And I guess it's time to stop partying and do some serious work. Too many things to be done and I'm not going to take anything slow any more.

Being prim and proper all the time is what expected of me. But sometimes dress up sexy and have a little fun is not bad at all :p Have been avoiding attentions and glances for too fucking long and this time I really didn't give a shit about anything and had a real glamorous night! Ops. The other bunnies took something precious away from me that night. Kiss kiss:)

Super Mario and Super Bunny!

2010-04-02T00:56:00.000-07:00

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others

for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness

and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone

---Autrey Hepbum

2010-03-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

Never regret something that once makes u smile.

2010-03-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

Baby u cheered me up!

God is always kind to me. I must have been a good girl :))

2010-03-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

Thank you xy for being there for me when I'm feeling sad. Having a friend like you is such a wonderful thing and I will be there standing by you all the time. This time is just... too devastating. Thankfully I have waken up from the beautiful nightmare. And you have no idea what my heart is made of baby.

Man I've been through so much. My life is never peaceful but my heart is. Time can erase everything, even if it's something which had completely taken my breath away at once.

Just pampered myself from head to toe. My skin glows and my hair shines. Going to put on my dancing shoes and have a good good night

2010-03-20T05:23:00.000-07:00

We were the last guests of the night in Forlino. Can't forget the three Japanese uncles next table talking loudly in a bid to grab my attention hehe. They probably think I'm a Jap girl. Yes yes I cut the bangs and I cut it myself. Can't really trust my hairdresser when it comes to length. Someone else also cut his hair:)

2010-03-07T06:46:00.000-08:00

Having Baby around all the time I really feel like a mother. He's always there accompanying me whenever I feel lonely. His breath against my cheek is simply lovely and he always brings me peace and serenity. Now that I have everything in place except one thing or may be I have nothing in fact. I suppose to feel relieved and happy after I got my results but my heart is surprisingly as peaceful as still water.
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"Hi there beautiful.How I would love to be giving you a big hug right now.Curled up in a ball, holding each other."

You are my solace...

I want your love.

2010-02-10T01:41:00.000-08:00

Like a little white flower...

Time flies. Without noticing it I've been enjoying a carefree life for several months since the end of A levels. I started to take care of the details of everyday life back to normal. Cooking, reading, spending time with loved ones, dining, pedicure, hair treatment, exercising, shopping, travelling, chilling out at friends' places, white wines, home-brewed beer, first time smoking cigar, bubble bath, good music... What else can I ask for... Oh God life after A's is amazing. Thank you so much for putting me through the trauma and helped me learnt to appreciate how beautiful life is. Baby I know how hard it is to please me. Thank you for being so patient with me...

2010-02-03T08:06:00.000-08:00

Rayne. Take a break. You have to go through this alone and come out of it a stronger person.

2010-01-28T21:07:00.000-08:00

patience. soldier. heaven. hope.

2010-01-27T01:29:00.001-08:00

The news of you finally moving on is comforting. But somehow I feel as if I have lost my balance and could easily fall and break into a million pieces. Isn't this what I always wanted? Of course Rayne. You just need time to adjust and accept things as they are. I don't want to say sorry any more. But thank you:)

Being compared to the maiden in the Wind Flowers made me realized what I've been missing for all these years. I was once a hard core romantic. What was it that ripped off my childhood dreams? " like a beautiful white flower, you will be found and appreciated no matter where you are hidden." my grandpa used to tell me. Oh grandpa I miss you so much.

Frustration. like a poisonous gas that kills from inside. Someone save me please.

2010-01-25T00:34:00.000-08:00

The good thing is I don't hate any more. But I can hardly trust again. I once loved her so much. I couldn't even bear to see her feeling exhausted and disappointed. Is winning so important? And then I cut off almost all means of communication but somehow I feel I should explain a little bit. It's all about forgive and forget. Distance creates another kind of beauty because people tend to remember only the happy memories rather than the ugly ones. Yes I want to remember your beauty. Shame on me that I still love you. That's why I felt so disappointed and angry. And like I always say, " life is short". We are suppose to cherish the moment now and forget about those insignificant issues. Under the angry heat of life, some friendships dry up and it takes far more efforts to restore its life. And I have lost my faith in us. I think I've done the right thing because it's healthier for both of us.

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Speaking about friendships, love is way simpler but harder. No point trying anymore. Nature will take it's course. God is always kind to me and I still believe in him.
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And family. I'm blessed as long as the three of us stay healthy.
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Work is the last thing that came to my my mind. I got my name card;) You can have one if you want:)
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PS. more rounds of holiday trips coming up...

2010-01-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

Lazy lazy trip to Cherating Beach Resort

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Sometimes life is good and we truly enjoy the happy moments with our loved ones. If not now then when? And of course there are some downturns and setbacks which we have to overcome and come out of it a stronger person. Sometimes we feel we are all alone but when we look around and think for a moment we realize that there are so many people that love and care for us.

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A Lazy morning...

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Hermit crab

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Romantic dinner for mom and dad. Amor amor~~

2010-01-10T20:54:00.000-08:00

Do you wanna ride?

I'm glad I still remembered how to ride a horse. It was a thrilling experience because all the horses gone wild in the end and one rider was thrown out by her horse right in front of my eyes. It's horrifying because she could barely move while lying on the grass. My horse was such a 'copy cat'. He started to run wildly and tried to throw me out when he saw what happened in front but I managed to subdue the wild animal and made him my tamed little boy. *big grin* But I was not as cool as I sound because my legs cramped in pain after the ride as I exerted all my energy on my thighs to stabilize myself. Beware! Horse riding could be dangerous! After all, horses are humane creatures which can be quite submissive to their owners and could easily develop boundings and love with the owner. However there is still a bestial side of them and that makes them more interesting.

p.s. I feel so blessed to be in the sun for the whole day=)

2010-01-06T03:36:00.000-08:00

My New Year Resolutions

1.remember roads and be more independent to GPS

2. practice piano! Can't believe I ignored it for so long since JC1

3.learn basic French

4.Cuddle and play with Baby at least an hour every day

5.Bring Baby to east coast at least once a month

6.Go skating at least once every two weeks

7.Catch up with friends at least once a week

8. look at my Principles every morning and follow them

9.Don't make quick judgement

10.read at lesat one book every two weeks

11.Listen more to people instead of talking about myself

12.Force mum to take a rest and go travelling with me

13. Go travelling in Japan, Europe, Thailand, Malaysia, Bali and Hong Kong

to be continued... I need to think first

2009-12-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

It's funny, isn't it? I used to sleep more than 12 hours a day when I was studying for A's but now I can't even sleep for 10 hours during my holidays. I've been a living koala bear for the past 19 years and I suddenly felt a stark transformation from a koala bear to a woman full of energy and passion. Yeah baby, my life has just begun... And I'm beginning to fall in love with work. What's the difference between study and work? WORK is getting paid while climbing the social ladder. And what I love most about it is I'm working hard to build my own kingdom.I am a truly lucky girl. You know, I am abs0lutely aware of it. God created me for a reason and I'm beginning to realize it.

2009-12-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, it is impossible to upload all the crap load of party photos. Let me start by the latest Christmas house party.

Next, a very White Christmas Party
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Zouk Out 2009

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A Farewell party

Swisshotel Helipad party

No.1 truth that I learnt after A's is PARTY IS FOREVER. Yes baby, I deserve some fun after two years of agony. And there are more to come:)

2009-12-25T06:01:00.000-08:00

Right now, I am thinking of venting out all my anger by using abusing words all over the place. But I'm not doing it because I know I might be tempted to delete the post immediately if I do so. The accumulation of events which hurt my ego are enough to freeze my heart. It's fucking hard and cold now... Come on, challenge me. Let me give it up completely.

2009-12-21T22:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

As usual, I have only one wish this year. I have sent out a letter

to you and hope you have received it by now. Please please

grant me the wish.

2009-12-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

This is insane. It's like a dream that I felt so real. Yesterday, I cycled in the rain which reminded me so much about one of the incident happened in my childhood. My bestie and I went for cycling and was caught in the rain. It was a heavy downpour and we were drenched from head to toe. We screamed, cycled frantically like rats trying to run back to their shelter and in the end we laughed at each other until we had a bad stomachache. Prawn, you have no idea how much I miss you... Fai said, " Baby, can you don't grow up so fast..." And that really calmed me down. I know, I've been pushing myself too hard. Life is becoming insane during the festive season. I am trying to allocate the only little time I have to my family, friends, work and a list of parties. Right now, I'm missing a lot of my loved ones. I feel so blessed just by thinking of you, my dear friends.

2009-12-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I really think I'm such a lucky girl. I am beginning to gain my faith all over again. Rayne... slow down your pace, stop and think for a moment. You are loved. And that's all you need to be happy.

2009-12-10T20:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when people are talking about the brilliance of certain created works such as a movie or a book, I often ended up feeling indifferent especially after listening to their personal interpretations and understandings. The story told, the meanings intended, the interconnectedness of the real world in relation to the seemingly unbelievable plot, the little subtleties in the way the movie was unfold and the unexpected angle in which they story was portrayed... All these seem to amaze the more intelligent crowds. But nothing really surprises me. The whole picture appear to be so clear to me because the only way I look at things is the interconnectedness between each and every little element. The knowledge can be acquired. The so called subtleties are absolutely obvious to me because of my sensitivity. And yet, I think I am often mistaken as someone who fail to analyse things in greater depth but in fact it takes me little efforts to pierce through, analyse and even rearrange internally in a bid to accept a foreign concept. After all we are all different and the way we understand certain things are all varied. I often tell my friends who argue with me not to make a judgement because there is a possibility that every perspective is correct or wrong in different context. You may not accept my point of view but it is too naiive to make an absolute judgement. And the movies was indeed brilliant because it takes far more efforts to create than to appreciate. It takes the director may be years to ensure the flow and smoothness of the plot as well as the resultant effects and expectations. My point is, don't judge me for the wrong reason.

2009-12-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

Lionel's birthday yacht party

A lot of things happened recently. I'm too tired to write anything. I will write something later.

2009-12-02T03:44:00.000-08:00

Fucking busy. I can't see myself carry on like this in the long term. I think I will die of exhaustion. He said," Welcome to the working world baby". Yes here I am, carrying the heavy burden of responsibility of managing an entire company and the need to earn respects from all the staffs. It's no joke. I'm exhausted mentally and physically in the process of learning. I am destined to lead a life not for myself. How pathetic... So what if I have all the money but not a life for myself. Because I am the only child. Because I love them more than myself.

2009-11-29T09:33:00.000-08:00

I learnt something by heart from you. Stay truthful to love, to friendships and to life...

2009-11-29T08:58:00.000-08:00

Happiest birthday ever celebrated^_^

BFFs...

The love of my life...
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Celebrated my birthday @ the WaveHouse. It was simply fabulous...

You know I love hunks, don't you?

2009-11-14T02:47:00.000-08:00

It's fading... My faith in you.

2009-11-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween~~~

2009-10-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

Lady Love~~ Don't stare just envy

I love my two ladies... Katherine and Joey

2009-10-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

I'll burn all the notes away once I'm done.

2009-10-16T02:18:00.001-07:00

Parties are forever, exams are only once! remember this Rayne!

2009-10-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

Cozy gathering at friend's place

View from the rooftop. Iron in the background.

Time flies. Some years have passed in a blink of eyes. Everything has changed and yet nothing is different. In the midst of helicoidal flow, I can't quite stand still fighting against the overwhelming force. We all have grown up.

2009-10-09T00:57:00.001-07:00

Today was hilarious. I was chased out of the lecture hall because I insisted to go to school and take a mock test even though I had a flu. The lesson learnt was that I should be more social conscious and more thoughtful next time. But you know, when a person is sick and feeling weak, such experience can be very unpleasant. If I were Miss J I would persuade the student to go home and rest and make sure her feeling was taken care of. But no, I was condemned and literally chased out of the lecture hall. I felt sad for a few mins and then I started to feel good because I suddenly remember tomorrow is saturday :) Bipolar disorder anyone? Then I decided to carry my Baby and go out to buy Bubble Tea. I feel really glad because I can actually sit here and reflect about my changes in the way I deal with my own emotions. If it was 5 years ago I might probably end up crying. As I grow older, I feel more comfortable with myself and care less about other's opinions and judgements. Coz I know exactly who I really am and this self-realization makes me feel more confident as each day pass by. Ah... shit I just can't love myself a little less haha. Anyway~~ The point is: we should always care more about other's feelings because we all want to immerse in a loving and harmonious environment, don't we?

2009-10-05T01:10:00.000-07:00

After each downfall there comes the hope. Strangely almost all my downfalls only lasted for a short period of time and the rest is all blessing and self-mockery for my indulgence in pain and struggle. You have no idea what a strong girl I am. Perhaps, you are the one who gives me all the strengths and energy. Dancing in the rain... Isn't that what Rayne stands for? Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star does not change his mind. There is no way for a life filled with only peace and happiness. Yes, we all need some challenges and excitements. Don't we? And we all had some sentimental and emotional moments in life which contribute to a more romantic and poetic mind and soul. Right? If I had never gone through so much in life, I could never develop a well-rounded view about this world and I could never lead such a fulfilling life like what I am having now. And lastly, honey don't use online translator to translate my writting in Chinese. I've tried a few and none of the translation expresses and represents my original sentiments and feelings. PS. You have made my day :)

2009-10-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

There are so many obstacles and difficulties in life some times. No one is going to care or help you unless you take care of yourself. Rayne, be strong. Be a strong girl. Hide the tears in your heart coz no one is going to pity you even if you cry aloud. Put on a big smile and carry on living. Happiness will come to you again.

2009-09-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

If 21 December 2012 is really the doomsday, what do u really care from now onwards? I would spend the rest of my time with the ones I love. My mum, my dad, my grandparents, and hopefully my loved man, my best friends... who cares about the fucking school, fucking careers, fucking fame and fucking money. But unfortunately I believe the doomsday is not going to happen. A new- age interpretation of this transition posits that, during this time, the planet and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. Which means I shouldn't blog now. I should go back to do some more essays ;_;

2009-09-27T03:18:00.000-07:00

Baby it's F1 season+ After prelims. Forgive me for partying away the entire weekends.

lovely food @ House. Dempsey

Blood and Rose party coincide with a birthday party

Catch us like we are HOT

Elegantly Wasted Party @ White Rabbit

Formula 1 rocks!

The Grand stand

Fuel Party@ Singapore National Museum

You have no idea how SEXY my baby Xinying was

The end

2009-09-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

Does God really exist

Professor: I'll prove to you, if God exists, then he is evil.

Did God created everything that exists?

If God created everything

then he created evil.

which means God is evil.

young boy: Excuse me professor. Does cold exist?

Professor: What kind of question is this, of course it exists.

Have you never been cold?

young boy: In fact sir, cold does not exist

According to the law of physics, what we consider the cold

is in reality the absence of heat.

Professor, does darkness exist?

Professor: Of course it does.

young Boy: You are wrong sir,

darkness does not exist either

darkness is in reality the absence of light

light we can study, but not darkness

Evil does not exist just like darkness and cold

God did not create evil

Evil is the result of what happens

when man does not have God's love

present in his heart.

The young boy is Albert Einstein. It's truely thought provoking. Think about this.

2009-09-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Parties are forever. Exams are only once. remember this Rayne.

2009-09-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Another crazy friday with friends...

@ Mimolette

Moved to Butter

Eeeeeeww! Look at the decor!

As you have noticed, I repeated wearing this dress. Yes I know I said I hate repeating dress.. But I really don't have the time and energy to do more proper shoppings nowadays. It's freaking annoying when I was being pushed around by so many people in the super packed Butter. I didn't really enjoyed myself very much in Butter factory. In fact I never did. Just like what Phil said," Why people want to be VIPs? It's because of exclusiveness. Exclusiveness for SPACE." Look at what was that! VIP area was even more packed and people can't even walk! We were so pissed off so we abandoned the place and moved to somewhere more spacious instead. Next week is going to be a F1 week. Can't wait for Saturday to come :p

2009-09-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Late night racing and Chillax at Marina Barrage!

I've been locking myself at home for 3 days and it's time to take a break and chill out and relax:) I enjoyed the view, the wind and the thrill when the car was going really fast and my hair was flying all around. I put my hands high up and cheered and laughed coz I loved the sensation of the strong wind that forced my hands backward. I love the sound of the engine. I love the splendid view around me. Hum... One more year to go before I get my own convertible toy :) Big Grin*

And one more thing, I'm going to race in a race track in Malaysia after my A's! Yoohoo! There are so many things I want to do after my A's. Can't wait for my holiday to come.

2009-09-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

BBQ at Wil's Scotts Residence

I am really happy now. The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but rather that we wait so long to begin it. I had been living in some sort of confusion for the past 19 years, because I could never figure out what I really am and what I really want. Thank God that I have found you and you make everything seems so clear to me now. Thank you... with all my heart.

2009-09-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

For almost 20 years I met so many friends and only so little of them mean so much to me. And you are one of them :)

2009-08-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder... What would I be if I am a normal 19 year old kid who still lives in a world of her own fantasyland, knows little about the immense world outside, and believes everything she sees with her own eyes, never go through the process of extreme psychological and emotional struggle which lead to a revolutionary change in her character and faith, and the process of refinement and even the sublimation of will and moral guidelines.

Sometimes I wonder... What would I be if I am like everybody else? Would I be happier?

A sudden feeling of loss...

2009-08-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

sunset...

It's said the average human has 100,000 heartbeats a day. I may not have more of them than anyone else, but each one is powered by purpose. Life is beautiful. There are so many things await me to explore. But I'll always remember the simple moments like this which brought me so much joy and peace.

2009-08-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

It's been crazy... and I'm stopping... Just for 3 months.

F1 Ferrari event at Mimolette
supermodelme.tv event @ Zouk

Agri's party @ supper club

Do we look alike?Hehe

2009-08-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

Poetry of Departure by Philip Larkin

Sometimes you hear, fifth-hand.

An epitaph:

He chucked up everything

And always the voice will sound

Certain you approve

This audacious, purifying,

Elemental move.

And they are right, I think.

We all hate home

And having to be there:

I detest my room,

it's especially-chosen junk,

The good books, the good bed,

And my life, in perfect order:

So to hear it said

He walked out on the whole crowd

Leaves me flushed and stirred,

Like Then she undid her dress

Or take that you bastard;

Surely I can, if he did?

And that helps me to stay

Sober and industrious.

But I'd go today,

Yes, swagger the nut-strewn roads,

Crouch in the forecastle

Stubbly with goodness, if

it waren't so artificial,

Such a deliberate step backwards

To create an object:

Books, china, a life

Reprehensively perfect.

I love and hate this poem at the same time. I love it because it reflects so much about my own ambition of walking out of my comfort zone and see the world. I hate it because it painfully reminds me about my inconsistency and the fact that I am conditioned to be stuck in a 'perfect life'. What a life. So much of responsibilities that I have to bear for others... si seulement je pouvais.

Dieu, s'il vous plaît grand-moi la sérénité d'accepter les choses que je ne peux changer, le courage de changer les choses que je peux et la sagesse de connaître la différence...

2009-08-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hi guys, this is just an appetiser... Can u believe it?

2009-08-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

Tuesday with Mike+ Friday night out+ Saturday Rin's Birthday dinner
`

Gerald Koo Photo ( below)

2009-08-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

I had just done a bit shopping in Ion

been partying...

My car ran out of battery coz I forgot to switch off the light. And friends came to rescue me...

Playing piano in school with Sinli.

Yes yes I know I look realy kiddy with my school uniform haha...

2009-07-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

Heineken Green House Party!

2009-07-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

Haji Lane

Walked along the Haji Lane and experienced something totally new to me. The pace of the city seemed to be slowed down. I can only relate this place to a cozy lifestyle...

2009-07-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

My little prince~~

Sorry for my inconsistency. I shall blog still.

2009-07-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

There are always changes in one's life journey. Though we may

not be able to adapt well to the changes initially but we have to

move on no matter what. It's time for me to stop blogging for

awhile untill I sort everything out and get used to my new life.

So friends, please ignore my blog for a few months.

PS:Please take care of yourself. I love you.

2009-06-28T02:12:00.000-07:00

I just had a terrible terrible dream! I dreant about a humongous celestial body hit the earth and I saw it afar and the impact could be felt immediately when he whole earth rumbled and trembled. I also dreamt about a lot of other things in relation to my biggest fear in life. This is what a person becomes when she never study properly before a major test. Too much tension and stress make me feel like exploding anytime. And one more thing, I get constipation right before my mid year common test. Agh! It's not that I didn't try hard. But when Mind became rebellious and Sense couldn't control it, the entire nervous system crashed. So I'm a bit crazy right now, better don't mess with me.

2009-06-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Mum!

Today we had our dinner at Coffee Club. I feel really sorry to my mum coz I've been squandering money on myself and left no extra money to buy her a decent present. Guilt. I'm going to work after A's and will definately buy her a present next year. Happy birthday Mum. I love you.

2009-06-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

Zouk Part II - Happy Birthday Joey Babe~~

Roy!! Ur face was soooo flushed!! heheh...

2009-06-21T02:06:00.000-07:00

Zouk Night Out Part I

Yesterday was Hilarious. I was quite drunk after mixing red wine, beers and Hard liquor and vomitted again in front of Roy. Oh no I'm such a bad drinker. The guys were busy taking photos for us, one after another while we shifted our attention from one camera to another haha! They were just like Paparazzi. The girls were so lovely, I can't wait to go out with them again=)

2009-06-19T00:54:00.000-07:00

Czeslaw Milosz - Love

`
Love means to learn to look at yourself

The way one looks at distant things

For you are only one thing among many.

And whoever sees that way heals his heart,

Without knowing it, from various ills—

A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.

Then he wants to use himself and things

So that they stand in the glow of ripeness.

It doesn’t matter whether he knows what he serves:

Who serves best doesn’t always understand.

It's lovely, isn't it? It's been years since I found out this poem and I thought it was so beautifully written so I kept it in my little notebook. I've always been trying to lead a life like what the poem says but still, I'm materialistic and egocentric. But at least it's a goal I have set for myself and I'm improving bits by bits.

2009-06-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

Unconditional trust is the basis for all relationships and that's what I failed to learn for all these years. Fortunately, someone put the words in my head and caused such a stir in my heart.

2009-06-11T01:40:00.000-07:00

I want to be extricated from all these but I know there will be more guilt than pleasure.

2009-06-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

As I could contain myself no more, I finally decided to vent out whatever I'm feeling now. Gush. It's excruciating. I lied down on the floor in the afternoon, Baby curiously moved over and stepped on my face again. So I crawled under my parents bed and hoped I could stay there for a little longer and then I saw a bloody spider... Okay I finally moved back to my study room and looked at Maclaurin's Serious. Then I felt a tremble over my shoulder. I was so sick of all the notes in front of me... Agh! I'm just back home after all the fun and end up feeling guilty right now, in my study room, blogging.

2009-06-05T21:35:00.000-07:00

Crazy night @ Mimolette
`

Rayne, Joey, Katherine and Wendy
`

Joey and I had our dinner at the Coffee Club in Taka...

It's Mimolette @ Bukit Timah

Jason was acting cute!!! Can't stand him haha

Belumni Girls!

It was a really crazy night spent at Mimo!

2009-05-29T22:09:00.000-07:00

I'm going to win. I'm going to win this battle no matter what.

2009-05-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

Yoo hoo! Last Day of school! It's holiday!

Just had my hair done...

My hair looks stiff and too curly because they styled my hair before I leave. It's going to be soft and romantic curls after my first wash... But guess what, I can only wash my hair after two days!! I refuse to step out of my house at all before I can wash it!

Friday night I went to dine and drink at Clark Quay again... We went in to Zirca right after the FHM Sweetest Girls party held in there. And when the party ended, I saw so many familiar faces amongst the guests. Singapore is really a small place...

2009-05-28T04:16:00.000-07:00

There is no time for peace and comfort. It is the time to dare and endure... And this is what I learnt today.

2009-05-25T03:53:00.001-07:00

There are always events in life that make me re-evaluate myself. At least I know I'm still thankful to everything I have now. Nobody taught me this before but I've learnt it all by heart since very long time ago. Today Mr Toh commented in his econs class, "who's driving a Mitsubishi nowadays?" And everybody took it as a joke and laughed at me coz I'm driving one. Well, this Mitsubishi Lancer is a love gift from my mum and I ought to cherish it with all my heart. I am very thankful to mum for everything she has given me. I count it as a privilege for me to own a car at such an age. Luckily I still have a conscience.

2009-05-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Today I watched the movie 'Angels and Demons'. I always thought as long as I believe in certain things, I don't have to care whether they are true or not. This time I have to confess that sometimes I hate it when I keep on questioning myself but can't get an answer. Does God or any other forms of God really exist? I used to go church, I used to pray and sing Christian songs, I used to study bibles but nothing could convince me fully that God really exists. The main message of the movie is that science and religion can co-exist with each other. But in reality, there are too many conflicts and contradictions between science and religion.

There are people who claim themselves fully committed to their religion and they study all kinds of religion related reference materials, but they don't seem being any better or kinder than people who do not have a religion. I infer that this is due to the fact that they are not convinced fully about their religion so that they don't follow faithfully. Each is driven by his or her own motives. What motives? You want to feel good about yourself and have a moral guidance so that you won't feel lost and confused. You want to have something to lean on when you worry and fear. You want to believe in this illusion that you are morally superior than the rest. You want people to believe that you are a good person because you are committed to your religion... Or you simply want to be a better person.

Of course my opinions here are biased because I'm utterly disappointed by many people who claim themselves faithful to their religion but they fail to prove action wise. Just like what the Pope says in the movie "Men are flawed not religion", religion itself seems too innocent in this matter. What if religions were created by men long long time ago after thousands and millions of years of civilization, so what exactly are we believe in?

All mighty God, if u really exist why don't you prove your existence to us so that everybody will follow what you say and make the world a better place?

`
Who am I here to question about religion? I'm just an insignificant, sceptical brat who thinks too highly about herself and saying such sacrilegious nonsense. But hey, it's common sense right if you dare say you believe in your religion, prove it action wise.
`
***Those things which are most real are the illusions I create***

2009-05-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

Be patient.

Be patient Rayne.

2009-05-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday~~Esplanade Theatre ~~ Orgo~~

Nice view from the rooftop

In the waiting area of the theatre

After the show we went to have a drink at Orgo Bar and Restaurant on the rooftop. I love the Dragon-fruit and lemon&Honey Martini there! And we saw Mr Guru with his friends...

Neo Pinlyn Joined us but she was a little bit late hem hem...

The feeling was weild when I saw some of my teachers in school (Ms Johson, Mdm Loh and some other teachers). I think Sinli and I gave them quite a shock because we just looked like kids in school and out of sudden they saw the mature version of us.

The play 'Spotlights&Lanterns' performed by our school's StAJeworks & Alumni was quite up to standard. And I felt very happy when Roy said he enjoyed it and found it quite meaningful because it was the first time I ever treated him for a play=)

Roy darling why do u always treat me so well... I feel so touched today... Thank you for always making me happy =) Thank u for treating my friends so well too... Darling darling darling... I love you so much...

2009-05-14T06:16:00.000-07:00

My soul longs for something greater, is patient, is kind, not envy, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, never fails, and endures forever everlasting.

2009-05-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day!!
`

Mommy, I know u r going to read my blog, please always remember that I love you more than anything else in the world... U always tell others that u r so proud of me but I never tell u how proud and blessed I am to have a mother like u. Mommy I'm so proud of u... U r the star of my life...

2009-05-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

Visit this website! Assess your ecological footprint and you will be amazed!

http://footprint.wwf.org.uk/

WWF Footprint Calculator
You're living as if we had 3.50 planets to support us but we only have one.
`
We've also calculated your carbon footprint, which is 14.58 tonnes per annum
`

Reduce your footprint...

I'm so ashamed of myself for being such a Hedonist!

2009-05-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

Random pic again...

Oh mien!

2009-05-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

My Baby... Mommy loves you...

Sometimes I have this illusion that I gave birth to this little Baby...

2009-05-02T05:59:00.000-07:00

Red Lip Day

Darling y r u wearing my bangles!
A wonderful day spent with darling... Roy, this is my lil sexy for you=)

2009-04-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

Look into my eyes

2009-04-25T22:58:00.000-07:00

Darling finally got back his licence!
`

Roy's licence was revoked because of drink driving just not long before we first met each other. It's been an unimaginable excruciating year for him. I hope I brought some solace and happiness to his darkest days. I've been waiting for this day for more than a year time, and I burst into tears of happiness when I was sitting beside him watching him driving. I'm so happy for him... I feel even happier than the day I obtained my own driving license. I love you Roy.

Darling brought me to the Jewel Box, 'Singapore's first iconic bar on the hilltop' in Mount faber Park. Thought the view was not as nice as before because many parts of Singapore was under construction, I still enjoyed the relaxing hours spent with Roy.

Then I went to watch the movie 'Taken'. The show was simply brilliant. It stired the deepest emotion in me and made me blink back in tears. I learnt two things from there : the greatness of fatherly love and the vengeful nature existing in other men too besides myself. The crulty of the father can be justified because the human trafficker took away the most important thing in his life. It is Rage combined with the Courage makes a person so fearless and cruel. The show makes me hate myself a little lesser. What a touching show...

2009-04-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Fighting over 'breast'

It's all started by me drawing a stick man with Mato's head during one of the boring lectures because Maddy asked for help as Sinli drew a Maddy's head with her eyebrows joined together.

And then Sinli suddenly saw it and drew two additional round stuffs on her stick man. It took me awhile to realize what she meant by drawing the extra circles.

I screamed in disbelief " Oh man you added two such humongous breasts on yourself!".

Then she said with a calm voice, "I got breast de hor." I nearly fainted...

Then Maddy drew a Rain's stick man and I beautified it by drawing two breasts bigger than Sinli's.

Now is Maddy's turn to say something, "Why are your breasts all sagging!"

" Oh no..."

Lastly Sinli completed them by adding underwears for us.

Yes for sure I'll fall to the front with my breast hitting the ground first if I have a big pair of breast like that...

2009-04-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I went for a casting for applying the job as a representative model in Upfront Sg. They explained to me the whole process of casting and being chosen for commercial ads. The models are required to go for casting at least once a week so that the chance of being chosen will be higher. And once being chosen by the clients, they need to go for another day of shooting for the ads. I was utterly frightened by the tremendous amount of time needed for modelling. I thought they will just display my portfolio online and the clients could just choose the model they want for their ads so that all I need to do is go for the shoot once in awhile if someone choose me to do the job. How Naive I was! And, it takes some time for a new face to build up her popularity may be a year or so and then they will be asked to sign a contract.

I explained to Upfront about my case of being a JC year-2 student, I cannot afford to spend so much time for casting. They said I have no choice but have to wait until I finish my A's, and they will be more than happy to accept me as their model.

Just a few months ago, another renowned talent management, Eleganz asked me to be their model but I refused because I wanted to aim somewhere higher.

Upfrontmodels.com is one of the top Model Agency in Singapore and their main client is commercial ads, runway show and fashion show. I'm very happy as they are actually willing to take me in despite of my height, and I feel honoured to be the exception as all their models are at least 1.65m tall.

Hm... All I need to do now is to focus on my studies and spend whatever free time I have with Roy. I'll wait patiently...

2009-04-13T00:46:00.000-07:00

2009-04-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

Last party before June holiday

I really need to study hard now. I have to. I don't want to go party any more. Darling please help me control myself!

2009-04-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

A really happy day=)

A wonderful surprise from Roy!

Dear darling, you are the best boufriend ever. Sorry for everything that I have done to make you sad. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shopped at far east with dearie Sinli

Thank you God for being so kind to me. I'm full of tears now... Hm, where should I start... I just had my worst day ever and happiness returned to me today. Thank you God for being so kind to me. I'm full of tears now... I’m thankful I have a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart. I’m thankful that I have a wonderful friend who’s always there for me. I’m thankful for all those setbacks which made me a stronger person. I'm thankful for everything that makes me happy.

2009-04-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

When can I unleash the energy and passion in me... When? I'm bounded by such circumstances under which nothing I desire could be realized and when situation changes, I will reserve nothing.

2009-04-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

Helipad

Cam-whoring at home...

Eating at Waraku

It's Helipad!

Nice view from the rooftop.

This saturday Roy and I spent a romantic night at Helipad. The club had been sending me party invitition for consecutively 2 weeks but I didn't have the mood to attend. When we were finally there, there was luckily no party going on. Roy held my hand while I was taking non-stop and we had a really meaningful conversation there. 'How nice if time could freeze at this moment', he said. And I realized we are still as loving as a year ago.

I feel so tired right now after school. A few more months to go...

2009-03-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

School E-learning day + photo shooting +Clubbing at Le Noir and Attica

I received too many compliments from young till now. I grew up in a world of flattering. I thought I was good enough. I thought too highly about myself. I thought nobody could ever compare to me. But I just realized there are so many people out there who are much much better than me. I’m too narrow-sighted. This Friday I helped my friends for some photo shooting and after which I went clubbing at Lenoir and Attica with them. It was the first time I actually witnessed the mysterious social cycle of all the top models in Singapore. The models were so incredibly beautiful and there were so many of them. They hung around the VIP areas and had free flow of alcohols. Thanks to my friends I got into the VIP areas and had as many glasses of free alcohol as I could drink. 99 percent of the models were Eurasians. I was the shortest amongst them all even though I wore high heels. I found myself the most insignificant figure in that crowded place and my self confidence has somewhat diminished. I know I can never compare to them no matter how hard I try to beautify myself but I have confidence that they can never compare to me too in other areas. God is fair to me and I ought to appreciate the gifts he has given to me. I will work my guts out on order to achieve what I want. I will do it.

2009-03-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to have a drink

For so many months, I haven't had any chance to drink like I used to. So, yesterday I decided not to drive and drink as much I could. Finally, I was temporarily relieved from geog notes, econs, GP, Maths and loads of homework after 6 glasses of Martini, 1 shot of Hennessy and some beers... Yesterday was the only time I didn't suffer from insomnia and had a good rest... for f#cking 2 months! Alright 8 more months to go....

2009-03-16T03:31:00.000-07:00

Before I went to bed yesterday, I started to contemplate about my life ever since I started to blog. Vanity gradually takes over my former self, the sudden realization of this change made me recoil in revulsion. Worst of all, my attempts in finding the way back has proved no avail. It's so hard for me to change. The love for beauty and money has become a burden which distorted my soul in a seemingly harmless way. I can hardly go back to the past when I was a little girl that sat on Grandpa's lap and sang the songs which I learnt from school with only joys and happiness. Kindness and evil both exist in me but I was pretending and hiding for the other side of me all along. I must have faith in myself. No one is perfect. I must have faith in my soul.